losing it - Dear God please help me with my life, am I not human enough to be loved by a special someone.

 Dear God,

it is the second of May, my exams are soon and I have not started studying for it because I am lacking behind. I am sad, distracted, tired; I wasted the whole day today and I lost so much money over 2 days (sigh). I thank you for the pizza today, wasn't cheap like $22sgd but I really needed to destress and eating food and not cooking is one way, it was bad tbh, pizzas here in Hungary are really bad generally and expensive. The pizza in Spain was good, and Croatian ones near Italy was just nice nice.

I need your help. first exams, help me to make full use of the time. Sorry God for not going to church, I want to, from the bottom of my heart.Just feel so alone and I don't want to meet people, I just want to be with you with all the sadness.

God, I have no money, what should I do? What about Japan? please provide if us, not because we deserve it but because we belong to you. God I am sorry, I have a question for you tho, why do I always face relationships problems? Why can't there be love for me? Why everytime I am close and I get a chance somehow, Satan comes and destroy it? God, am I not human enough to be loved? why must this happen to me? didn't you provide this girl to me? Sorry if I did not treasure her enough, I didn't want to show I had feelings but I just wanted to be cool and love others and show her what love really is, and she did loved me, she said I am not bad looking and she told me what she liked about me (sorry I forgot, wished to hear it again). But why, Lord when things that you provided, and u confirmed when I was asking you about it, is this it? Show me, why Lord that things have to happen? Why she wasn't anything about height and all, she was ok with me and she was satisfied but what made her become who she is today? like I didn't really lie to her I did tell her 171 and 173 about there cos its a decent height and I like it, if not wrong she was the one who said its only a few cm... didn't she google 5cm height difference? I mean, she is tall but not that tall too and I got used to be happy even though she's slightly taller. I wished I was taller and also younger, but you know God I waited so long for this and I really almost gave up but u put me in her life to love me and to show that you did not give up on me; well she didn't until she was tempted by the devil on the feelings of butterflies and all. God why was there any suitable girls or was I too fussy? For me it is very hard to find someone compatible enough to live life with and as she said she found good in boo app and she found me; so what happened? I asked u and u told me so please God do it for me, change my life, its my wish for the extension of your kingdom; 40 is your number Lord, may my life be changed for you this day and henceforth.

Also, why must she lie? like, she told never again with another guy and she said I should be secure, but how can I be when I give her space only to do all this? why is she suddenly like this? what happened to the girl that loved you and wanted to be closer to you by reading the Bible?

Why I need her? she completes me and we are similar but we compliment one another, we fight for one another but idk about now, idk Lord, but help her to realise through your Holy Spirit that I am the one for her, her one true love, forgive her if she does not know u enough, but I wanted to help her in that and I hope she can still love you and I promise to be a good example as much as I can.

God, sorry, please forgive me. Please use me for your works... God, be with her (Sara) and please bless her for me and help her to realise everything, its like she is posessed and God I am so sorry that I cannot lose her, not after we are already more than friends and when I told u that night as she was sleeping by my side that I will take responsibiliy for her and love her and quit all the sexual traps and sins the devil set for me; God didn't u say in the Bible that because of all the sins that each one should get married? I need her and I will fulfil all her need, less height and all but whatever I can do for you I would do for her; help her to see this and understand what I've been going through, help her to know and have the wisdom on what is good to her, help her to see and feel once again that she needs me as before, because she does and I've done so much for her, keep on forgiving her but I cannot just walk away because she is the love of my life and the woman u want me to marry and start a family with; also I cannot do sex with more than one person cos I want to be pure for you and I kept her pure for you God despite the raging lust and I thank you I have it under control, sorry for all other things but I do love her and I hope she would want to continue where she left off, if she had feelings for me that time especially to help her realise it again cos someone who left planted thoughts in her head, doesn't means she doesn't like or love me cos she actually did.

God, keep her with you, help her to be close to you; God I need love too, I want to know that I can be loved after all these years. If there's a 40th wish of my life for you, it is her and to live out my life for you; my wish is to complete this year well and I ask for a miracle in the upcoming exams in Jesus Name by your grace and power give me and continue to provide me all that is necessary. Lastly, God, help me financialy to pay for the house, I need to pass this year so that I can find a stable job somehow, direct me Lord, hear my cries. To save enough money for the house and I do want to help dad retire; Lord all the people that cheated me and my family money, Lord provide and return to us what we have lost as I come back to you, help dad so that he can come back to you, I am very sad our family is under this stress. God if its possible provide us enough money to renew strawberies at least 5 years, at a good coe price because this is the car you given us to use and I really like it and it has been doing your work. my life, Lord, is in your hands, I turn from my sins once again, please help me, please help Sara to know that you put me in her life for a reason and I am the one she should marry; but most importantly help the both of us to know u better. God we can change one another, but only with your help. I do not want to quarrel with her or anymore in future because it is unnecessary and a waste of time. I want to do my best for you, help me to be a good Christian too. Once again, Lord, show me that I am loved by you and that I deserved to be loved by another human too (ik u put me here in Szeged to finish the task her too so pls may I have your favor not to waste anymore time and I promise to focus and also to do what you put in my heart here, in your grace grant me the ability to communicate and speak any language necessary to do what u want me to do). IDK about the future, but my future is in your hands.

In Jesus name, amen.