life, worth living?

https://www.quora.com/Does-the-Bible-say-anything-about-avoiding-people-you-dont-like-even-if-theyre-family-or-friends

Dear blog, dear God, I come to you when I'm sad. I'm afraid and alone, I feel like I have failed my life, failed you failed my parents. Why, Lord? Why is my life so hard? Did I really play too hard in the past? Didn't I still put in effort to be the best I can be for you? Or at least I try to. I do know I have some sins, secret ones, esp punishing myself, my body, sexually sometimes when I'm so down... Feels good but I'm so so so lonely Lord, I mean, when I was going I thought it would be easy.. just study hard, graduate, get a good job with a good salary... Have a gf, wife, family, have a decent home, and live my life to serve you with friends and loved ones.

However oh Lord, my life has been a rollercoaster.. why God why? Is this the cost of serving you or just staying with you? 

Do you remember what I wrote at 17? 10 years down the road I'll settle down, have a job and soon a family? You know what Lord? None of them materialised? For the years in Singapore, not only have I failed to honour my parents and you in all I do, school, work, why when people are nice that they are either take. Advantage of or used? Why is it the devil always gets his ways around my life.. I really and honestly want to live for you, life by the spirit, and soar on eagles wings, I wanted my parents to retire but I can't, I just can't cos I do not earn enough, why jesus? Somehow I feel I'm stuck in a cycle ever since army/uni... Even in army I didn't get to do what I wanted, I feel I've wasted years, and now I'm stuck here not knowing my future. God please forgive me if this is not a path that you wanted which I have chosen, if this scholarship wasn't what you wanted I'm sorry. Maybe I'm not smart enough or don't have the knowledge to but why my Lord do bad things always befall on me.

Why is it I've been nice to people, but then I get bullied? People always find their ways to bully me, I thought I grew in being able to handle but the tests always come and I keep losing, and it makes it as though I am the bad guy. Am I such a bad person why do I always meet such people? When I wanted to help, gave my all..

On love.
God, what's wrong with me. I do know when I'm younger I didn't really look at girls because as in the Bible say lust of the eyes, but all I wanted was a girlfriend I could do things with and live life with. People had sex since their teens and before 21... Sometimes I question my sexuality and/but all I wanted was to be pure to you for the one, at least for sexual intercourse.. so I did watched porn in the early years cos I didn't know, but then it gave me understanding on it and then I quit, but all these years it ended up as a cycle, partly because I just want someone to live life with and I want to know that I can be loved too. God, didn't you say you are the God of love, God is love, arent you. so it came to a point in my late 20s early 30s that I feel I'm losing my mind.. I didn't dare to go near anyone but at the same time I need. What did I do wrong why bad things always befall me?

The girl that went places with me only did that cos I paid for her, that's not really friendship.. idk we did so many things, she was so nice and supportive and yet she is gone, idk what she saw if she saw it in my eyes that I could see where it was going when he came into her life... Like, am I not good enough for anyone? Didn't I love her deeply? I'm so hurt Lord, I need support and all.. actually I just need to know that someone is always there.. I didn't really need all the long phone calls and all, once in awhile it's ok, it wasn't really my thing..
 Only thing is I just did it for her first because I'm nice and she's nice, then it came to a point where it was too much but then later I gotten used to it... I haven't heard from her in a day, I hope nothing is wrong she worried me sick

God am I so useless and unloved? Is so why?

God I cannot fail this semester, I will take this time to do what I need to do, idk I think I will die, God have mercy on me, only because I chose you, only because of that, please don't fail me.. help me to earn back all the money, to pay for my home for you,for my parents, I really want dad to retire 😭 

God I need you I really do, do this for me ok? I will change. I still need her support, didn't we fight for one another? Why is she holding on when u close the door? Why am I too Lord, why? :'(

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